What a relationship can seem like after a giant breakup or divorce : NPR

Westend61/Getty Pictures

conceal caption

toggle caption

Westend61/Getty Pictures

Is it ever a good suggestion to remain associates with an ex?

Final month, Life Equipment requested our viewers this query as a part of a narrative and podcast episode on the subject. In case you share children or pets, it would make sense, say our relationship consultants. However steer clear should you had been in an abusive relationship or nonetheless have emotions for the opposite individual.

Dozens of listeners wrote to us with their ideas on the topic. Their tales illustrate the wide selection of prospects that may come when a romance ends. Some stated their ex was their greatest good friend. Some stated they needed to keep cordial for sensible functions. Others stated they realized … they did not wish to be associates in any respect!

These responses have been edited for size and readability.

‘We nonetheless dwell collectively’

My ex and I will not be solely good associates, however we nonetheless dwell collectively underneath the identical roof and co-parent our 13-year-old son.

After we acquired divorced in 2015, we determined to remain in the identical home collectively. Housing is dear in California. We might every take an enormous monetary hit if we needed to promote our house and discover our personal locations to dwell.

We additionally did not wish to cut up time with our son, who was 5 years outdated on the time. With this association, we might co-parent extra successfully and see our son every single day. We labored out a custody settlement that clearly outlined when every of us can be chargeable for our son and his care. Now, virtually 9 years later, my ex and I are very shut. However no, we’re not getting again collectively.

Sure, courting has been exhausting. Who needs so far a person who nonetheless lives along with his ex? However the professionals far outweigh the cons. –Brian Gonzales

‘My ex-wife is my greatest good friend’

I’ve been divorced from my ex-wife for 22 years. Now we have two youngsters, a son and daughter who are actually grown and dwell shut by.

For a very long time after the divorce, I used to be harm, indignant and misplaced. However after trying again on hurtful issues I stated and did, I higher understood her perspective. I wanted to mature extra.

Very slowly, we started to depend on one another for assist. She developed well being points and went on incapacity. Immediately, my ex-wife is my greatest good friend. We advise one another on many aspects of life, from coping with siblings to house restore. We have fun household occasions along with our children and their vital others. We are actually very proud grandparents of 1 precocious 2 yr outdated, the enjoyment of our lives.

It feels good to not be wrought with bitterness and anger over a failed marriage. –Todd Scheler 

‘I would like little contact with my ex’

My (now) ex-wife and I divorced this January. We had been collectively for 34 years and raised two sons, who are actually 33 and 28.

For the sake of our youngsters and to honor our years collectively, we each intend to keep up an amicable relationship. However I’m not positive what the form of that relationship will seem like going ahead.

In the intervening time, I would like as little contact with my ex as potential. I would like the psychological house to find who I’m in 2024 as a lately divorced 67 yr outdated. And I wish to permit the sentiments and ideas in regards to the dissolution of our household and divorce to settle. –Invoice Cooper

‘I want he had been a tiny bit depressing’

Six months in the past, my husband of 8 years and companion of 21 years divorced me. He stated he nonetheless wished me in his life, however as a good friend.

We’re in common contact and meet up a pair instances per week. However I will be trustworthy: it has been troublesome seeing him simply decide up and transfer on whereas I’m nonetheless coming to phrases with every thing. I would like him to be glad, however on the similar time I want he had been a tiny bit depressing.

The truth that we’ve got a reasonably small circle of associates would not assist. Once I see him with a mutual good friend, they focus on individuals of their lives, lives which appear to incorporate me much less and fewer. It leaves me feeling like a 3rd wheel. –David Lantrip

P.S. Ensure that your readers know I am fairly a catch. And clearly single.

For extra relationship recommendation (plus well being, finance and parenting ideas and extra), subscribe to Life Equipment’s e-newsletter. 

‘He believed we’d proceed to be greatest associates’

When my 15-year relationship was ending, my companion — who was within the midst of constructing himself my ex — stated he firmly believed we’d proceed to be greatest associates.

Unexpectedly, I blurted out, “however I’m not associates with individuals of your caliber.”

It’s fascinating to comprehend that the one who you entered the connection with can turn out to be somebody you wouldn’t select to know now. This helped me stand within the current second, understanding one factor with certainty. —Maya Drozdz

‘It created one thing lovely’

My ex and I weren’t proper for one another romantically and had a foul breakup stuffed with distrust, jealousy and bitter moments.

Nonetheless, I wished to turn out to be associates once more. We each are queer and felt quite a lot of stress to turn out to be associates for the sake of our good friend group. So I made a decision to forgive my ex for every thing that went mistaken. It backfired so dangerous that we didn’t discuss for years after.

It was throughout COVID that we reconnected. We had been residing in the identical metropolis. I had gotten married to a different lady. My ex and my spouse met for the primary time shortly after.

We had lengthy talks about how we may very well be higher associates and have a significant relationship. My spouse, my ex and I dance collectively and have adventures collectively. Once I was pregnant, my ex was my assist individual. My ex is now a part of my chosen household.

This didn’t occur in a single day. Time gave us the house to heal from our wounds and have many conversations about how we wish to transfer ahead collectively. It created one thing much more unexpectedly lovely. –LaKecia Farmer

Thanks to everybody who took the time to e-mail Life Equipment along with your submission. Join our weekly e-newsletter to participate in reader-generated tales like this one.   

This story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visible editor is Beck Harlan. We might love to listen to from you. Go away us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or e-mail us at LifeKit@npr.org.

Take heed to Life Equipment on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and join our e-newsletter.