Right here’s an extract from my e book, How To not be a Supermodel. It’s taken from a chapter about mannequin castings and the bodily/sporting abilities I lied about having in an effort to try to bag some work. May I play the drums, for instance? Certain:
Was I a pro-level ice-skater? Er, sure:
They have been obligatory little white lies, by the best way, as a result of I used to be in possession of just about no bodily abilities in any respect – I couldn’t jet-ski or surf, trip horses and even swim underwater – and had I not gone down the “faux it till you make it” route I’d have dominated out half of my job prospects.
On this chapter I find yourself in some compromising – but surprisingly zen – positions and utterly lose any shred of dignity I assumed I had.
And so, with out additional ado: an extract (abridged) from How To not be a Supermodel.
When it got here to mannequin castings, I used to be glad to offer virtually something a go within the identify of a hefty paycheque. There have been loads of abilities that have been in excessive demand, normally ones I didn’t possess. Not that it mattered, apparently.
‘Babe,’ my agent, Texana, would say, ‘are you able to ski? It’s for Breitling watches and also you want to have the ability to slalom down into shot.’
‘I’ve by no means skied,’ I mentioned, ‘no.’
‘By no means?’
‘No.’
‘Babe, anybody can ski. Simply inform them you used to ski as a child, you’ll be wonderful.’
‘OK however after I get the job, certainly I’ll then have to truly ski?’
‘We’ll take care of that if it involves it.’
Or,
‘Hello darling,’ my different agent would say, ‘are you able to drive a scooter? . . .OK, but when push got here to shove?’
The worst ‘sporting pretender’ casting I did was one for a newly launched ladies’s sportswear model and their vary of yoga clothes. And the fault, this time, was totally with me.
‘Babe, do you do yoga?’ Texana requested after I phoned to verify in for the following day’s appointments.
‘Nope, however my mum teaches it.’
There was a pause.
‘OK babe, however . . . do you do yoga? It’s simply that for this casting, you’ll must undergo a collection of poses so that you type of must know the lingo.’
‘Yeah, I can do the positions,’ I mentioned, ‘the stretching up and the crossed legs. I can most likely nonetheless do a headstand.’
‘Proper . . .’ mentioned Texana. ‘I simply . . . I’m cautious of getting a repeat of the beer business scenario.’
‘The place I did the Karate Child strikes?’
‘Oh my God, babe, what the hell. They mentioned it was like watching somebody drop acid after which attempt to struggle themselves in a corridor of mirrors.’
‘Huh,’ I mentioned. ‘I’ll ensure I practise some yoga positions then.’
‘Poses, my babe,’ mentioned Texana. ‘They’re known as poses.’
‘Worry not,’ I mentioned. ‘I’m limbering up as we converse. Moving into for the warrior canine and the downward spiral.’
The yoga casting befell in a dance studio, fantastically brilliant with sunshine streaming in via two full-length home windows, mirrored from a wall of mirrors onto the wood flooring. The shoppers, three pleasant ladies of their thirties or maybe forties have been seated behind a desk that was piled with mannequin portfolios. They appeared very serene, hair loosely pulled into ballerina buns or flowing onto shoulders, all of them clothed within the form of smooth materials and mild colors that make your individual garments look as if they’ve been stolen from an eighteenth-century vampire.
‘Pretty to fulfill you, Ruth,’ the primary shopper mentioned. ‘We’ve been determined to e book you for a marketing campaign so it’s good that this yoga vary might be an excellent match. You’ve obtained precisely the look that we wish.’
‘We’ll begin with the warrior pose,’ mentioned shopper quantity two, placing on some spa music.
Warrior pose? What an earth was this? Couldn’t they only see me within the leggings and crop prime and be happy with that? Certainly on the shoot day somebody might simply prepare my legs and arms?
‘It’s essential for us,’ mentioned shopper quantity three, ‘that whoever we use genuinely practises yoga.’
Oh.
‘We actually need the marketing campaign to really feel genuine and for the pictures to name out to our prospects – we’re not only a model utilizing fashions who look good in our garments, we’re a model utilizing fashions who will put on our clothes in actual life. Precise sportswomen, athletes, mountaineers, and also you, hopefully, as our skilled yogi.’
Wait. What?
‘Yogi?’
‘Let’s get began and see how the samples look,’ mentioned shopper two. ‘I can’t wait to attempt the taupe harem pants on you.’
For warrior, I pretended to carry a spear in a single hand and put the opposite on my hip. In equity, it wasn’t 1,000,000 miles away from the right pose: I’d put my legs in a robust, wide-apart stance that appeared comparatively convincing, really. Bending ahead pose was fairly self-explanatory and, miraculously, I really knew the bridge. It was when the opposite poses, the extra summary names, got here alongside that the shit actually hit the proverbial fan. Who would ever have thought that ‘mountain pose’ can be ‘standing up straight’? What mountain is tall and skinny and never massive and spherical, like a boulder? Which might clearly make extra sense, explaining utterly why an individual would assume that they need to flip themselves into a giant ball, hugging their knees and tucking their head between their legs . . .
‘OK,’ mentioned shopper two, with simply the slightest tremor of confusion in her voice, ‘let’s transfer on to the downward- going through canine.’
I imply, how would a canine face downwards? Isn’t it already principally down-facing, as a result of the truth that it walks on 4 legs?
‘That’s extra the cow pose,’ mentioned shopper one, ‘however with 4 straight legs. I’m unsure I’ve ever seen it like that however OK. Let’s now transfer into the kid’s pose.’
Nicely. Even below such intense strain my thoughts was spraying out concepts left proper and centre, God bless it. It had sensed excessive profession hazard and had risen to the event, offering pose options to each immediate with solely ever a second or two’s hesitation. It was as if I used to be on a bizarre model of Charades Mastermind, through which the presenter known as out a random phrase and I needed to work out which motion would possibly probably – as in, a one in a thousand likelihood – be the right match.
By no means had my thoughts and physique needed to work so laborious as one. And now, after the cow and the downward canine and a mountain pose and a ship pose (which I had been fairly happy with, seeing as if I’d managed to make use of my arms as oars and one leg as a mast) I had one final problem. The kid’s pose.
‘Do . . . you want any assist?’ requested shopper three, as I stood quietly upon the mat, eyes closed, inhaling via my nostril and out via my mouth. Shopping for time.
‘No,’ I mentioned, eyes nonetheless closed, arms over my ears, as a result of it simply felt proper, ‘I’m wonderful thanks, I’m doing a little breathwork earlier than I do the following place.’
What poses did youngsters do? There was the foetal sleeping place, which didn’t appear stretchy sufficient to be a yoga pose and so was my least favoured possibility, after which I had thought of skipping. However you couldn’t maintain a skipping pose, or skip in gradual movement, except you needed to appear to be a whole fruitcake, in order that one wasn’t seemingly both. Youngsters appreciated to climb bushes, however I’d performed the tree pose with my branches stretched out and my toes wriggling into the ground like roots (good contact!) and so what have been the probabilities they’d get me to repeat myself? No, it must be my fourth selection and I used to be fairly assured about it as a result of thus far, they hadn’t requested me for both of my strong, tried-and-tested yoga strikes. And I wasn’t mad eager on doing a headstand in entrance of them, and so I dropped down into essentially the most infantile pose of all, the place that every one under-tens should undertake for hours within the education week, in a corridor stinking of boiled greens: sitting cross-legged.
‘Er,’ mentioned shopper one.
‘Uhm,’ mentioned quantity two.
‘I’m unsure that’s fairly the one we’re after,’ mentioned shopper three, as I clumsily rose to standing place, or ‘regular pose’.
‘It’s alright,’ I mentioned, ‘I do know that my sort of yoga’s not for everybody.’
How To not be a Supermodel is accessible in hardback, e book and audiobook right here. For those who’re not within the UK, please word that Waterstones ship worldwide. At time of writing there are a restricted variety of signed first editions accessible at Toppings right here.
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